why do i feel this way? it’s fucking stupid. i hate when i have feelings that remind me i’m just like every other normal human being. i prefer not having feelings other than happiness and now this is just a slap in the face.

they’re all dumb and pointless and superficial. no thanks.

i wish sleeping was an option and not something that you had to do in order to live. haha, staying up all night has proven to be the only time at school when i’ve been able to really be by myself. as much as i enjoy company and the friends i have here, i just miss being alone sometimes. it’s frustrating to never get time to myself anymore, which is why i wish my parents would let me live in a single next year. it has nothing to do with my social life, cause i love people and hanging out, but without the alone time that i used to have at home makes me feel as though i’m slowly losing myself and that feeling sucks! not much about how i’m living currently would change if my parents allowed me to live in a single…and whatever changes that did happen would be positive ones. living with someone, especially someone who is messy and never leaves the room *ahem*, is such a fucking buzzkill. i miss being alone. that sounds terrible haha but it’s so true. i think having my own room for the last 5 years played a large role in who i am as a person. being alone in my own space kept me grounded. sharing a room with a sibling might be lame, but living with practically a stranger sucks. i don’t know what to do anymore, and although i found a solution, it’s temporary and bad. i don’t want to continue taking ADHD medication and spending the entire night in a common room just to get some alone time, it’s lame alone time too. i miss having myself for an hour or so before going to bed listening to music, smoking cigarettes on my fire escape, thinking about any stupid thing that only i give two shits about, and just doing whatever it is that i did, cause it was my time and it didn’t matter to anyone what i was doing. i know that i can still do most of the things here, i still do do most of them. but i’ve had these bad butterflies in the pit of my stomach for weeks..and maybe they’re a result of whatever alone time i have being either short, interrupted, and too rare. i know several people who hate being alone and need to constantly be surrounded by people. but i’m really not like that. i mean i am. like i said, i do enjoy hanging out with my friends a lot just like i did while i was home, but now i’m constantly being surrounded by people and i hope that it doesn’t make me really break down later on. i don’t think it will though because…actually who knows? i only said that i don’t think it will because for the past 2 hours i’ve been by myself and my own thoughts so maybe i should ask myself that question on like thursday, after i’ve been surrounded by people for like 48 hours. i wish i lived in a fucking single! even though things with my roommate are terrible at the moment, i don’t think my desire for a single is mainly due to her, cause i think blaming someone else for you feeling deeply upset (maybe depressed a little? ..i’ve also been wondering if i could be depressed…even though i have trouble coming up with reasons as to why i think i’m depressed- i could probably think of a few if i had alone time though just sayin- i feel like being this sad all the time is not normal and even though 95% of the time this intense sadness isn’t my strongest/dominate emotion or feeling it’s definitely always there and during that 5% when it is the only thing i’m feeling, it’s super intense and all i want to do is cry and cry and cry it all out, but i don’t and i can’t and i won’t. because part of that 5% is during my alone time. doesn’t that suck? like 3% of my life here is alone time. it went from about 30% to 3. fuck. i had my first good cry in like 3 months last night, finally. it was terribly amazing and needed to happen and intense. but it was, of course, interrupted when 5 of my friends just happened to walk past me while i was shaking, crying hysterically. not only was it embarrassing because then i was forced to explain myself, which i don’t have to do when i am able to cry during my time(!), but them seeing me in that state felt similar to the feeling i’d feel if someone walked in on me masturbating. haha that may seem like a really stupid analogy but in all seriousness, i was so exposed, vulnerable, and was finally being open with myself, which i have not been able to do once. i’m grateful that i have friends who seem to care about me so much already and that they stopped, hugged me, and comforted me but when i saw them i obviously calmed down, stopped crying, and hung out with them for the rest of the night which is not what i needed to do. and although i’m so thankful for them, i wish i was able to continue crying last night! my tear ducts are suffering from blue balls, and the fact that i was able to start a good, well needed cry and not finish it sucks. you know the feeling you get in your throat when you need to cry or when you’re holding back a cry? like your mouth is dry and your throat is so tight? i’ve had that for a solid two months, and today the feelings are worse. all i’ve wanted to do all day is get it out. i know that getting it out would help me but it has been impossible for me to cry. i honestly think that i’ve become so out of tune with my emotions over the past year or so and don’t know what to do. i think a big reason that i was able to release so much last night is because of how drunk i was. i have noticed that i am not as emotional as i used to be, at all. talking about how i felt and being open and honest about my feelings and why i felt them to others used to be so easy and i’d do it all the time, especially when i was sad. i feel like when i was younger, when i felt sad i would just talk to a friend or family member about it and now i bury it. i bury it and let it rot inside me and literally make me sick.)

this was not the first time i’ve started a post with a main motive/topic and wound up typing my thoughts into one big gay, pointless spiderweb of Lucida Grande that no one will read. who else gets wired then spends hours writing about this kind of shit? does anyone at all? or am i actually a little insane? maybe i wouldn’t need to write this shit if i was still allotted alone time. maybe i wouldn’t need to write this shit i didn’t live with a bully. never in my life would i predict having a bully as a roommate. i was dumb enough to forget they existed because i did a great job throughout the last 4 years weeding out really amazing people, holding onto them and really avoiding nasty people. but what am i supposed to do when i live with a nasty person? this whole situation that i’m in (which is mainly my fault for asking her to be my roommate which sucks to admit) is definitely not helping any of the things i’ve been feeling. although to my friends last night, i was that upset because of her, i think it’s very unlikely that i’ll ever cry that hard over someone who i don’t love. i know for a fact the main reason i was really crying last night because of the things going on in my own world, my own head. (sorry for the constant use of percentages but they’re the easiest way to explain myself so whatever you may think it’s annoying but i think it’s the easiest and clearest way for me to understand myself…which is the only reason i write these dumb, long, pointless entries. they’ll collect dust in the internet world, at least i won’t ever be able to see how much dust this shit collects, i wouldn’t even wanna know hah) but 85% of the tears i let out, and 85% of the reasons why i was crying were to do with Claire. 15% were to do with Amy, honestly. Maybe even a little less, maybe more like 10% her and the other 5% of the tears were from missing my cats…and maybe some people from home hehe (it’s hard to miss people with all this technology and being able to constantly talk to anyone regardless of their location sucks cause i want to miss people more than i am). It was her that triggered the tears for sure, and maybe i should thank her for being mean enough to make me cry (not really. i’m generally hurt by the relationship between us, and maybe i shouldn’t be because she should not/does not/will not ever play the role of a person in my life whose opinion i care about and that in itself makes me upset at the relationship. cause besides from the obvious reasons why i dislike her and the way she treats me and makes me feel about myself, coping with that is simple. the distressful part comes about when i’m reminding myself that she is not going to be in my life forever, let alone she might be out of my life forever by next semester.

the fact that i spent so much time and effort in my life so far ensuring that i filled it with great people to the best of my ability and now i’m being forced to live with someone who would have been placed on my “avoid” list and forgotten about. — although i don’t have an actual list and have to pee too badly to actually compile a list of people i genuinely dislike or who genuinely hurt my feelings, i know that it is definitely teeny tiny because i hate actually hating people. i was thinking earlier how i wish i was able to love everyone and tolerate everyone regardless of how big of a fucking asshole they might be. Mike Feliciano is obviously on this list. in case i needed to make that even more clear to myself ha ha. — and not being able to place her on that list and avoid her is going to take a toll on me. because since i want to avoid her, the only way i am able to do it is by staying up all night and writing and having mediocre alone time which i would have honestly sacrificed for sleep just cause of how unhealthy i keep reminding myself this is. but until i find a healthier solution, it’ll have to do. i mean i can’t really do this for a while unfortunately (but logically speaking, *fortunate) because i’m broke. i should do addies and see a therapist, that’s what i really want to test out and see if i feel good talking to someone. 

although the idea of a therapist is a little discomforting at first, i’ve been trying to make myself think it’ll work this time. idk something tells me that it might actually be beneficial right now. cause there are multiple times when i feel my 5% of sad time, one of the things that gets me worked up is that i feel that maybe i don’t have anyone to talk to about this to. cause i don’t. and when i briefly mention it to the people i would want to talk to it about they don’t give me the response i think i need in order to get better. it’s understandable and i don’t get mad at them because everytime i try to bring it up to like sam or will and the conversation doesn’t go anywhere near where i need it to, i feel embarrassed and guilty that i may have put them in an awkward position. idk maybe they don’t see my signs, maybe i’m doing it all wrong.

maybe i don’t belong here here. not here. but like Here. and there has been a lot and a lot of thoughts about me no longer being Here and how I can’t leave, but also how EASY life would be if i left. or to put it in better wording, how easy not having a life would be. i would, but i am too confident in myself and my actions to know that i could not and would really never. plus Amy is not worth the straight A’s for the rest of the semester ;) bad joke? well i don’t intend to make it seem like i’m making this topic into a joke, because it’s a very minor but actual reason of why i convince myself to stay. is it possible to be alive for the wrong reasons? cause now, reflecting back to 6th grade when i just wanted to leave the mental hospital and would have done anything, i wonder if all the other people who have failed at committing suicide are also still here for the wrong reasons. fuck this world we live in. they should not have released me. i was 12 years old literally using the art of persuasion and lying to adults in order to leave the hospital. how is a mental institute supposed to make any one who has attempted to kill themselves make them better? talking about the same issue and why i was there and making me feel like i was in trouble for my actions was not going to help me, it didn’t help me at all ha ha ha ha they were all dumb. sometimes i think i’m a just a tad bit mentally ill. and ya know what? i would never ever tell anyone of my thoughts of suicide because society’s solution for me when i was 12 was the biggest crock of bullshit. i just want to feel comfortable about opening up about how i feel and why i feel that way freely! i think i started closing up after that then. i haven’t been able to pinpoint when it happened, cause i feel like i realized it within the past year but when i realized how closed i had become, it was done. maybe the fact that the last time someone found out my real thoughts they sent me to a fucking mental hospital put a damper on the way i felt about opening up. that makes sense right? yes, i was young and cutting myself. but i was not cutting myself to kill myself. as much as i think about suicide, and talk about it with myself, i trust myself enough to believe that would it actually ever happen? No. No. but i can’t help it if thinking about it does something for me. it has been for the past 6 years. maybe i’m mentally healthy, so mentally sane and healthy that i’m allowed to think about suicide, the shit that understandably no one wants to talk about, without having to ever actually worry that i’ll do it. i just wish that i could tell someone this and trust that they were able to know what i meant by these entries and willing to read them and then talk to me about them, or listen to me talk about them. i really want to talk about me! i feel like i’m learning so much about people and through that i’ve been able to also learn a little about me, but i’m interested in my own thoughts. is that possible? i want to find someone, fuck it could be a therapist..which i think it might have to be, who will be able to read this and understand what i say when i write like this. i might contradict myself in these posts but that’s because these posts allow me to sort through things with myself in a form other than just thinking and therefore i develop new opinions and views. writing these always help me while i’m actually writing them, but i am curious what it’d be like to have another voice to talk about these things with. when i read bits of my first post to other people, i became self conscious when i heard what i had written and told myself that it was pretty dumb. which they totally could be, and that’d suck. i actually really hope these aren’t the worse things ever written haha and if they are dumb i can’t even decide on whether or not i would want to know because yeah i like writing these a LOT, a lot, but finding out that everyone thinks it’s dumb and that i only liked them because it was just me talking and talking and talking would really suck. and when Sam read it, without my permission which made me uncomfortable because when i give these to someone to read, i’m giving them to someone who will appreciate them or at least read them and understand me and talk about it with me rather than do what sam did which was tell me how it just seemed like a bunch of jumbled up thoughts written by someone on drugs. and you know what, maybe it does seem like that, or at least the first post did cause it was the first time in a long time i was able to write that freely and passionately, but i think that if you read these posts with an open mindset and made an attempt to understand them maybe you’d like them. i really want someone’s feedback. an intelligent person’s feedback. i thought about rewriting my first post and sending a copy to my old english teacher but decided she was so busy with work and that she would probably not really read it but also to be honest we didn’t even have that close of a relationship…i just know that i admire how smart she is and that i always felt like she could teach me a lot. i know several people who i feel that way towards but it’s upsetting when i realize that they don’t know me or seem to want to get to know me. i don’t think i’m interesting at all and don’t think i have anything to offer, but it’d be nice if my views on my self-value were challenged and backed up with good evidence. that sounds so fucking stupid. i’m dumb and done. good bye!

When you’re out,

tell your lucky one

to know that you’ll leave.

Don’t you lock when you’re fleeing,

I’d like not to hear the keys.

Only home till your coffee warms,

but don’t hurry and speed.

Once a time put my tongue

in your ear on the beach

and you clutched clicking heels.

I hate this feeling. Feeling as though something is wrong and I just can’t figure out what. I want to go away I think. I miss people but at the same time I don’t want to be with anyone. I don’t even want to be with myself but I can’t escape that. I’m tired of just living, nothing feels like it’s going anywhere; I don’t feel like I’m going anywhere. Sometimes it’s nice to feel stable in where you are and to know you’re staying where you are, but I don’t think I’m happy where I am, and at the same time I don’t know where I am happy.

there was little we could say

and even less that we could do

to stop the ice from getting thinner

under me and you.

Sometimes I go whole days listening, bored, half asleep

I won’t say anything that’s worth a thing to me